I’ve had one of the most traumatic and weird days of my life.
My girlfriend and I are essentially doing what I’m going to define as ‘breaking upwards’, a term which means there is no longer a physical aspect to our relationship because I cannot do it. It may be because I might potentially be gay, or potentially asexual, or potentially anything. However we will remain to be close to each other emotionally, because we’ve grown to trust each other so much and breaking that off would just be too traumatic to think about or even deal with. Hopefully it works, however it has destroyed both of us. I can’t accept who I am and neither can she but hopefully we can learn together and still be close.
I’m sitting on my friend Mia’s couch, sleepless at 4:48 AM because I cannot stop thinking.
About everything and how it all clicks together.
Other interesting events that happened today were: I smoked around 4 cigarettes because I was so terrified of living that I thought if I could smoke enough I would just drown into a surreal dream where nothing mattered and no one cared. I lost my dog because I watched the stars for answers, he then promptly returned and gave me a big sloppy kiss through my fear and dread and sorrow. I cried for around three hours, after talking with her, during talking with her, at my psychiatrist appointment, at home, with my dad, with my mom. I listened to the entirety of a Bon Iver album. My dad gave me great advice on life, living and women. Which was the weirdest out of nowhere conversation I’ve ever received from him. However the quote “Life is all about experiences, if you didn’t experience anything then what would you learn?” From him will stick in my head. I decided I am going to officially start a journal. I am going to hang out with people tomorrow because otherwise I will be stuck inside my own head and will watch movies all day. My friend wants me to through a party (no pressure, but I should) due to what happened at a previous drinking party I had. With more people (more being 8 instead of 4). I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I hung out at my Grandmother’s house and watched my entire family fight while I quietly walked down to the basement to be with Silence. I hugged my Mom and Dad goodbye for a week. I planned to read, take pictures, and draw. I appreciated the wind and light between my fingers made by the barely setting sun as I told my Dad “I don’t want to be sad anymore, the world is too beautiful to be sad”. I talked to my friends and they talked to me and helped me through this time. I was scared. I watched Harry Potter. I didn’t eat. I ate ice cream at 4 AM with my friends Mia and Kelly. I drove around at 2 AM singing Queen songs.
I tried really hard but in the end I have to punch myself for lying for so long. I love her so close and with all of my heart but I cannot physically be there.
My life will figure itself out, I will be okay.
That’s the important thing;
I will be okay in the end, I may not be happy but I will be okay.
This is what my life is right now. I hope it will put things in perspective. I hope a lot will happen. I hope it works.
This is not meant to offend or hurt or make any one upset or destroy the feelings of anyone I love, because I love the people mentioned in this letter (not by name)
I’m making this the first and last post about yesterday. The process to getting there was hard and difficult and it will be, I will get there and be okay though.